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Hecks vs. Glossners: The Final Battle is the seventeenth episode of season nine and aired on March 20, 2018.


Synopsis[]

When Sue's car is stolen and the Glossners are discovered to be the culprits, Mike rallies the Heck Family, along with the Donahues and Bill Norwood to take them down once and for all.

Plot[]

Another day at the Heck House, and Axl is gloating to Mike over the fact that he doesn't have to wear a tie to work. Mike insists that learning how to tie a tie is one of several important things a man needs to know how to do. The others are whistling with your fingers, reading maps, grille with charcoal, shine your shoes, opening bottles without bottle openers, and breaking doors down. Axl is not impressed with his father's lecture, though. Just then Brick and Frankie return to the house, and Brick is disappointed that neither of his parents will let him take driving lessons despite the looming expiration of his learner's permit.

Sue is in her bedroom listening to music on her headphones while arranging laundry on her bed, when she's startled by the sudden appearance of Shelly Donahue. Shelly asks about the box for the snowglobe she won at the Heck's Yankee Swap party (see The Christmas Miracle), because she wants to mail it to a pen pal she has in England. Sue however seeks to take it back, but Shelly will only do so in trade for another item or hers of equal or greater value. The scene is cut to Shelly walking towards the front door with most if not all of Sue's plush dolls with Mike as a witness. Axl then approaches Mike and continues to gloat over not needing the lessons that his father insisted he should know, by showing him an app on his cell phone that provides numerous presumably useful sound effects. Sue enters Frankie's room and asks for her advice on revealing her feelings to Sean, and her mother insists she should simply forego traditional standards and approach him face to face before telling him how she feels. On her way out the door to leave for college, she hints that she may end up with Sean the next time she returns home, while, Axl dumps his dirty shoes on the kitchen table to disprove Mike's belief that a man needs to know how to shine his shoes. After Mike threatens to make him drive with Brick for doing so, Sue runs back into the house in a panic and tells them her car was stolen.


As she finishes shopping at the Frugal Hoosier, we hear Frankie narrating her bewilderment over who could possibly have stolen Sue's car, especially in a community like Orson, when she discovers just who it was; Rita Glossner, who backs it up in a parking space and smashes into a Honda FiT. Frankie approaches Rita to reclaim the car, but Rita insists that it belongs to her, and it was given to her as a gift from her kids. Frankie uses Sue's "I (heart) Dolphins" keychain as evidence that the car belongs to her daughter, and even reveals that it was passed onto her by the late Aunt Edie, but Rita thinks her death makes the Heck family's claim on the car null and void. In an attempt to get away, she loudly accuses Frankie of spewing racist rhetoric towards her, despite the fact that both women are Caucasians. Finally Frankie stands in front of the car and drops her groceries in front of it, but Rita just drives away.


Frankie arrives home and tells Mike that the Glossners have the car, and believes it's gone forever, an attitude that Mike does not subscribe to. When Sue arrives and finds this out, she has the same sentiment. Both Heck women insist that confronting the Glossners only leads to further provocation. When Sheriff Dugan finds out the Glossners were the thieves, he refuses to take action. The sheriff is also terrified of the Glossners especially because he lives behind their backyard. He also reveals that he's on the verge of retirement and doesn't want to tangle with them. Later, the family discusses all the torment they've endured with the Glossners through the years. The rest of the family reminds Mike that they can't go to an authority any higher than the Orson Police Department, and he stands up and announces that he intends to take the car back from them himself, and urges the rest of the family to join him. All are perfectly willing to, and though Brick doesn't feel he can be as effective as the rest of his family, he reluctantly joins in.

Mike pounds on the door and demands that Rita give the car back, only to be ambushed by the rest of the Glossner kids, including cousins. The Hecks manage to retreat behind Axl's motorhome and prepare to discuss a new strategy. During this time, they find that Brick stayed behind to watch the fort, and Axl is tied up in a volleyball net, which was previously stolen from them. To make matters worse, not only do the Glossners still have Sue's car, they have SUE!

Mike, Frankie, Axl and Brick are still convinced that their second attempt at an attack will be a suicide mission, until Frankie notices they now have reinforcements, specifically the Donahues, Bill Norwood, and others from their neighborhood. Nancy even brings deviled eggs to the battle. Now they realize they have a fighting chance and all go charging in, with the exception of Brick who uses Axl's motorhome as a lookout. The Glossners charge at the neighbors, and all engage in a massive battle. One Glossner family member traps Axl in a hula hoop, that also belonged to the Heck family. Another one kicks Frankie to the ground on her good hip while she shields herself with a garbage can lid, sending her into a rage as she storms the house. Axl tries to break the front door down, but fails. Mike sarcastically boasts about a non-existent app for his cell phone related to the task, but admits he lied, and subsequently stomps the door down. They're about to barge in and rescue Sue, when Mike spots Diaper Glossner tying up Bill Norwood. Mike comes to his rescue, while Axl rushes into the house to rescue Sue.

Frankie sneaks into the garage, and tries to start the car, only for Rita to grab her from the back seat. The Heck matriarch tries once again to appeal to her status as an overworked stressed out mother, but she slams her face in the steering wheel. Luckily, Frankie find Sue's "emergency cupcakes" and smears them in Rita's face, licking some of the icing immediately afterwards and gets away. Still on lookout, Brick is convinced the battle is a lost cause, when he spots one of the Glossner kids wearing a hat belonging to Cindy, and now commits himself to joining in. Axl finally breaks down the door to Sue's bedroom/prison. Convinced that the keys to her car are in Rita's purse, which she foolishly leaves in the room. She turns out to be right and they get ready to escape with the keys, On the way out. Sue finds the stolen snowglobe and tries to get it back, only to be stopped by Derrick Glossner.

Axl rushes out the door with the keys only to have his path obstructed by Glossner boys. Trying and eventually succeeding to whistle with his fingers to get his father's attention, he throws him the keys. Mike also throws the keys to Brick, who somehow manages to get Cindy's hat back. All non-captured Heck family members demand that Brick takes the car back from the garage. Brick is beyond thrilled, but he insists on driving it slow to prove he's a cautious driver once he gets in the car. Derrick claims the snowglobe is his, but Sue insists this isn't the case. He reminds her of the promise he made to straighten his life out before getting back together with her. To him, that means getting a job (at a tattoo parlor) and earning a living (most of which he spends on beer and cigarettes). She insists that she's in love with another man, and he becomes furiously jealous, then takes the snowglobe from her and throws it across the house into the front yard. Sue rushes after it, jumping onto an abandoned electronic keyboard, then leaps into the air and miraculously catches it before hitting the ground. Only then does law enforcement finally arrive to restore order.

The battle is over by daybreak, and the Glossner front yard is a mess, which isn't much different from any other day, except that it now has police cars and an ambulance in front of the house. Nancy offers deviled eggs to anybody who wants them. A female EMT member examines Bill Norwood and praises him for taking down the Glossners. She also reveals that she's a single woman who moved in recently, which makes him think she might be a potential new girlfriend. Axl compliments Mike for daring to take the maniacal neighbors down, and Mike offers to write down his list of things men need to know how to do, but he still turns him down -- until he sees him opening two bottles of soda together. Sue is happy that she got her snowglobe back, but Frankie insists that she got something even better; the neighborhood. As the camera zooms away, Frankie narrates that the Glossner's 20-odd year reign of terror in Orson finally ended. The various kids were either sent to juvenile hall, reform school, or regular school, and much to her surprise (and ours), Rita actually became a halfway decent citizen of Orson.

Trivia[]

  • Neil Flynn/Mike Heck's height was used as a joke once again. When Sue reminded Mike that they already went to the Orson Police to stop them and can't go any higher, Mike actually did go higher, by standing up.
  • Evidently, this is the final episode featuring "The Glossners."
  • Patricia Heaton claimed she was injured during the making of this episode.
  • Many fans have confused the actor who played Officer Dugan (Richard Riehle) with Brian Doyle-Murray.
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