Season 1[]
Sue: "Mom!"
Frankie: "Mike"
Mike: "Axl" -Pilot
Brick: "I wish I could stay home and watch TV and have you make me soup."
Frankie: "Sorry honey, wrong family." - The Floating Anniversary
"Nobody's dying! Your dad and I just wanted to sit down at the table as a family." -Siblings
"This is an outrage. If you're gonna shut off the power, do it at the top of the hour before I'm already hooked on 'Conveyer Belt of Love.'" - TV or Not TV
"That's his plan! Turn us aginst each other so that we lose track of time!" -TV or Not TV
Season 2[]
“This is an American family. Yeah, we yell and fight, we eat bad food, we watch too much TV...” - Foreign Exchange
Frankie: "Why do we even bother carving pumpkins anymore?"
Mike: "The same reason we feed them: habit" - Halloween
"Whoever knew that 'I love you' could be the biggest flop at a Thanksgiving dinner ever!" Thanksgiving II
Mike: "What are you doing?"
Frankie: "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm rocking a piece of our grandchild!" -The Big Chill
Season 3[]
"Stop it, you two! You're ruining Battle Boggleopoly!" - Forced Family Fun
"'Ooh, maybe I'll put a vintage green bowl of fruit on the kitchen table, like Goldie Hawn,' and you try it, and you know what? You realize your fruit is never gonna look like Goldie Hawn's fruit. I'm never gonna have Goldie Hawn's fruit Mike!" -The Wedding
Season 4[]
"That's sure a mighty fine thing you've done" - The Hose
"This is gonna be fun, huh? A couple of chicks out driving like "Phelma & Louis." I mean, the beginning of that movie, but. You know what don't see it." - Halloween III: The Driving
"I feel like I'm starting to sound crazy. But someone who knows they're crazy isn't really crazy, right? Like Hitler." - The Friend
" I want the Back Master 2000 from Brickstone and I want it in yellow. It's $40 and comes with heat and the infared rolling balls." - Hallelujah Hoedown
"Who buys a person yellow pants?! Did I say pants? Did I say YELLOW pants? Did anyone hear me say, YELLOW PANTS?!" - Hallelujah Hoedown
Season 5[]
"Your dad's wearing a belt he found on a park bench, we're not giving you any more money." - Change in the Air
"I TOLD you not to let me stay up and watch House Hunters International!" - The Carpool
Frankie: "So is this the hole that leads to my area?"
Mike: "No, that hole is your area."
Frankie: "I still don't get why we need walkies. I've been yelling at you for twenty years!"
(marching band plays)
Frankie: "Okay! I get it now!" -The 100th
Season 6[]
"Why couldn't the first one be a yes!?" -The Waiting Game
Season 7[]
"Didn't you love it when they were all squishy and helpless and we could love on them whenever we wanted?" -The Wisdom Teeth
"We're not to the root kind of people. Our lives are bring held together by all the grit and grime" -The Shirt
"We've got a truckload of problems, ten cent beer, and a purseful of change, baby!" -Survey Says...
"This is an idea coming from the guy who invented unibra: push two boobs in one." -Risky Business
Season 8[]
"It's easy to do something you like doing for someone, but something you hate, that's love."
Mike: "There's a million things you can buy for a woman, but men are harder"
Frankie: "That just makes your choice of an inflatable foot bath much better" -Hoosier Maid